Wannabe
by Alex Ryzlin Gold
Summary: A story in which Rachel isn't Rachel, Finn and Will are useless, and Quinn initiates 'bathroom' scenes. Finn and Will bashing. Minor Blaine bashing. This is a crack fic and it's basically making fun of everyone. Read with sarcasm.


**Title:** Wannabe

**Rating:** Mature for brief violence

**Pairings:** Brittana (minor), Finchel (sort of), Klaine (just), Tike (cause it's cannon) and Faberry (almost).

**Spoilers:** Let's just say season three for characters.

**Warnings:** Finn and Will bashing. Minor Blaine bashing. Actually, this is a crack fic and it's basically taking the piss of everyone. Read with sarcasm. If it seems sarcastic, it is.

**Summery:** A story in which Rachel isn't Rachel, Finn and Will are useless, and Quinn initiates 'bathroom' scenes.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own. Soz.

She opened her eyes. It was a struggle, but she managed. Everything had a green watery tint to it, like she was looking through something. She couldn't move, at least not easily. And breathing was weird. Her nose was blocked off, and there was something in her mouth. A tube? Was she in the hospital? Had she been in some sort of accident? No, she wasn't in a hospital. She was somewhere else. In a tank. She could feel the liquid move around her as she weakling managed to shuffle an arm. Definitely a tank. She needed to get out. Something was wrong, something was very wrong.

/-/-/-/-/

It was a normal day in Glee. Rachel was singing at the front of the room to a dopey looking Finn. Quinn sat in the last row of chairs as far away from the scene as possible, reading. Brittany and Santana were sitting in front of Quinn, quietly whispering to each other. Tina and Mike were politely listening to the song being sung and throwing each other loving looks every now and again. Kurt and Blaine sat next to each other, hands in twined, though they didn't talk. Kurt was too busy gossiping with Mercedes. Sam was mouthing the words to the song (it was a love song, what did you expect?) while staring intently at the back of Mercedes' head. Rory was staring at Finn, his eyes full of hero worship. Joe was struggling to pull his shoes off, becoming desperate when it became clear that he just couldn't do it without help of the God Squad. Puckwas firing spit balls at the ceiling. Sugar was strangely missing but the question of why she was missing was quickly answered when the overenthusiastic girl skipped through the door, grinning madly.

"Hello everyone. I have a special surprise for you."

Rachel looked incredibly put out, and was ready to argue when Rachel stormed intot he choir room. Everyone froze. There were two Rachels. One, who had been there all along looked both shocked and frightened. The other, who had just stormed in look angry. No, she looked murderous. No one stopped her as she stormed up to the other Rachel and punched her in the face. A sickening crack was heard, and blood soaked the front of the first Rachel's animal print sweater as her nose broke.

The first Rachel let out a pitiful whimper. "Not again. My nose. _Again_."

No one had a chance to react and the other Rachel swung her fist again, thins time knocking the first Rachel out.

She dropped to the floor where the second Rachel started kicking her.

Will stared at the sight for a few long moments before standing up.

"Someone should stop this!" He said loudly, looking at Finn.

Finn shrugged. "Hey' she's only the girl I claim to love. It's not my job to protect her, or you know, listen to her or anything like that."  
Will nodded. "That's true; we can't expect you to help your girlfriend."

No one moved, though Santana laughed, and Kurt gasped dramatically (_someone_ had to do it if Rachel couldn't manage to) until Quinn stood up slowly and made her way down to the two girls. She gently placed a hand on the second Rachel's shoulder.

"It's okay."

The second Rachel turned around and quickly pulled Quinn into a tight hug. She started muttering into Quinn's shoulder, and Quinn gently stroked her hair.

"It's okay Rach. Let's go to a hallway and then a bathroom so we can have a meaningful conversation."

The blonde led the shorted girl out of the room.

No one spoke. They just stared down at a bloody and beaten Rachel. Except she wasn't bloody. There was liquid around her, but it wasn't red. It was black and smelt.

Kurt sniffed the air delicately. "That smells like oil."

Sugar nodded energetically. "It is. She's a robot."

Brittany hopped down to the Rachel lying on the floor and nudged the body with her foot.

"That's so cool. You going back home now, Sug?"

Sugar's eyes widened in shock. "I don't know what you mean."

"To the future. I bet We're missing you. And Quinn and Rachel will be missing Harmony. You should head back."

Sugar shook her head. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

Then she was out the door and down the hallway. A few second later she ran back the other way, dragging a dark haired girl with her. Brittany giggled.

Santana (who had followed Brittany) stared down at the Rachel on the floor.

"A robot. Seriously? Who the hell makes a Rachel Berry robot?"

Finn perked up. "I did. She broke up with me because I was stopping her from reaching her dreams. So I had her abducted and replaced by a robot that loved me."

Mercedes' jaw dropped. "That actually makes sense."

Will gave Finn double thumbs up. He was glad that Finn was being proactive in his future and relationship.

"I think," Blaine said slowly. "I have the perfect song to sing for this occasion."

Kurt gazed at him adoringly. "Of course you do." He said in a baby voice.

Mercedes shook her head. Along with Brittany and Santana, she left the room. This was slightly too weird for her.

/-/-/-/-/

Finn didn't want to go to ed. He was sad and his mum always told him not to go to bed sad. Or was that angry? He didn't really understand emotions. It had taken him eighteen years to perfect 'smug', 'constipated' and 'chair-kicking-rage'.

There was a knock at his window. Finn grinned. It was probably Rachel (the real one) coming to tell him that she appreciated being replaced by a robot and that she loved him. His grin grew when he realized that is _was_ Rachel.

"Hey Rach!" He said as he opened the window.

Rachel glared at him and pushed him away, climbing into his room.

"Where's your mum?"

"She's on a date night with Burt."

"And Kurt."

"Date with Blaine. Now we can go on a date!"

Rachel headed downstairs, Finn following behind her. She opened the front door and pulled out a flash light, flickering it on and off a few times.

"You're leaving?"

"No, Finn. _We're_ leaving."

Just then Quinn appeared. She held up a piece of cloth to him.

"Does this smell like chloroform to you?"

Finn shrugged. "I don't know what chlorophyll smells like, but I can try."

"He lent into the piece of cloth before inhaling and promptly falling to the ground.

"I think that's a yes." Snarked Quinn.

She made a hand gestured and Brad appeared, ready to help lift the giant toddler.

/-/-/-/-/

It was a normal day in Glee. Blaine stood up, telling everyone he had a new song to sing. Finn nodded happily at him. Brittany giggled quietly in Santana's ear. Tina glared at Quinn and Rachel as they snuggled together. She muttered thing like 'Finchel is perfect.' Over and over again. Mike tried to calm her. Sam was watching Mercedes, who in turn was watching Kurt. Kurt was swooning over Blaine's song and sighing. Joe was hacking at his shoes with a knife and Puck was perving of Faberry and Brittana (they were sitting together, who wouldn't perv?). Rory had disappeared (and Brittany had mentioned something about him being evil and from the future, sent by some RIBs to stop Faberry), and Sugar was long gone.

When they started their new dance routine, Finn moved in time. Will grinned happily at his show choir. Seeing New Directions getting along was the highlight of his day, and the fact that they always got along was an added bonus.


End file.
